


Or Let It Exist

by collapsethelightintoearth



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Lydia Martin, Aromantic Stiles Stilinski, Bisexual Lydia Martin, Character Study, Coming Out, Gen, Internalized Arophobia, Introspection, Lydia Martin & Stiles Stilinski Friendship, it gets better though, some of these tags are for later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29295426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collapsethelightintoearth/pseuds/collapsethelightintoearth
Summary: When Lydia turns 13, she begins to observe a nebuloussomethingsettling into the minds and behaviors of her peers—but not her.(It's a long way towards accepting her aromanticism, but Lydia has never been one to give up halfway. She'll forge her own path with her head held high, and somewhere along the way will learn to take up as much space as she deserves.)
Relationships: Allison Argent & Lydia Martin, Lydia Martin & Jackson Whittemore, Lydia Martin & Stiles Stilinski, Lydia Martin/Jackson Whittemore
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

When Lydia turns 13, she begins to observe a nebulous _something_ settling into the minds and behaviors of her peers—but not her. It’s hard to grasp what exactly the shift is, at first, until one day the pieces of this frustrating equation slot neatly together and immediately drive her into a state of panic. The initial realization is made worse by a second one; she’d originally thought that everyone else was acting strangely, but now it’s clear to her that _she’s_ the outlier, the one who’s different.

Feeling a sense of disconnect between herself and her classmates isn’t new. Lydia's used to toning down her intellect around others even while easily maintaining straight-A's in all of her classes. (If anything, the material is rudimentary and boring). But this is different, somehow, and the solution here seems to be to pretending that she _is_ something, as opposed to pretending that she _isn't_. 

The next day at school, she is hyperaware of every giggle at her lunch table from a girl talking about the latest in a long line of celebrity heartthrobs, the shy smiles traded between the pair sitting in front of her in Biology, and the note passed to a girl in English from a blushing boy with stars in his eyes. Lydia knows that soon enough, everyone will wonder why she doesn't participate in these conversations, why she doesn't blush, or giggle, or smile like that. So she starts to teach herself how to react and what to say. Some of it comes naturally; she really _did_ think that actor was rather attractive. But everything else? The crushes, the dating, the 'meant to be', 'made for each other', 'I love you more than life itself'? Lydia doesn't understand, and she's coming to realize that maybe, more accurately, she _can't_.

The _Queen Bee_ persona that Lydia’s put so much effort into constructing would crumble into dust if everyone knew, and then she would be alone just like she was as a child, before she learned to hide and subdue her real self. (She’ll still be _lonely_ , of course; after all, she can’t remember a time when she wasn’t. But lonely isn’t quite the same as alone, and high school will be easier if people like and admire her.)

So when Jackson Whittemore asks her out a year later with a cocky grin on his face, she tilts her head in silent appraisal, thinks, _I guess he’ll do_ , and accepts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first aro-focused fic!! So, despite the fact that I am also aromantic & struggled with that knowledge when I was younger, this is very much not self-projection (For whatever reason, I just... have never projected onto any character, or really imagined myself as part of any fictional work whatsoever. I don't interact with fiction like that, at all, which I've also come to realize might be an anomaly, based on what I've heard online.) But anyway! If you like this, I live for comments. Just putting that out there lol. And tbh if you have any suggestions of things you'd like to see later, like certain character interactions, headcanons, etc., I'd definitely be up for writing them if they mesh with my own interpretations. I'm considering 3 chapters, but may do more, and I'm even planning on writing *dun dun dun* dialogue. It's been... a while since I've done that. Also the next chapters will probably be considerably lengthier; this mostly serves as an introduction.
> 
> I have a vague idea of how the rest of this will go, including aro Stiles (who was kind of doing what Lydia is here, except amped up to 500% - i.e. his 'crush' on her) Also potentially featured will be fwb Allydia (I just... really love them, but my favorite Allydia fic is actually, basically, more like a fwb type of dynamic, and while I do think they'd make a cute/great romo couple—and I do love reading them like that as well, that's not what I'll be writing here).
> 
> I hope to write & post the next chapter soon, but I can't make any promises.


	2. Chapter 2

Dating Jackson isn’t _too_ bad, Lydia thinks at first. Having a boyfriend—especially one who’s already as popular as she herself is—further cements her place at the apex of Beacon Hills’ social hierarchy.

The sex is pretty good, and only gets better as they each learn what the other likes. That’s about all that feels real, though. Lydia finds herself scripting so much of what she says and how she reacts—at school and on dates—and the process is more exhausting than she expected.

The longer their relationship goes on, the more Lydia’s knowledge that it’s essentially a finely-crafted charade weighs on her. Guilt creeps in unbidden, because Jackson has given every indication that he likes her _like that_ —in the way society dictates he should, and she… doesn’t. _Can’t_. (Part of her wants to, desperately. What they have now isn’t fair to Jackson, even if so far he’s been none the wiser. After all, he clearly signed up for a romantic relationship, with reciprocated romantic feelings. But there’s another part, small yet unwavering, that insists it wouldn’t be fair to _her_ either. Lydia exists as she is, and while she may be an anomaly, that doesn’t mean that she’s wrong, or defective, or anything like that. She shouldn’t have to pretend to be something she isn’t.)

Sooner or later, the curtain will have to fall. Lydia knows that this elaborate act isn’t sustainable in the long run; her mother’s already pointed out the dark circles under her eyes, spotted before she’d had the chance to begin her morning makeup routine. She resolves to tell Jackson at some point, though how exactly she’ll broach the subject—never mind what she’ll actually _say_ , remains a troubling uncertainty.

Lydia’s usual response to uncertainty is research, so armed with her laptop and nearly two years of questions and fears and doubts, that’s what she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've actually decided to stay with shorter chapters (at least for now), which means there will definitely be more than the original, planned-for 3. How many? Who knows? Certainly not me lol. Next chapter will feature Lydia's research and ~~probably~~ her conversation with Jackson. Her bisexual realization is going to come later fyi. As usual, if you enjoy this so far, kudos and/or comments are very much appreciated!


End file.
